'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Oh my God, this is one quiz that is actually accurate. ahaha

Never (and I mean never) Judge a Book by it's Cover....

I work for a communications company - in the cellular division. I know, I know, it's not the greatest of jobs, but I work with some excellent people, the pay is good, the hours are amazing and something interesting always happens. Always.

Take today for example. I had a very pleasant, plain, even frumpy if you will, lady come into the store this afternoon. The speaker on her phone wasn't working and I explained to her that because it was still under 30 days, we were able to exchange it. She was concerned that she would lose the photos she had taken, so I explained that she had one of two options - either email them to herself, or to save them onto the existing memory card. She didn't know how to do either and asked if I could help.....So I did...

I click on the first picture and did a double-take. It was a penis - covered in a sock with the toe part gone & only the head poking out. If you can't visualize this...visualize legwarmers from back in the '80's - you get the idea...So, without even breaking a sweat, I proceed to teach her how to email the photo to herself. When we're finished she said she also wanted to know how to transfer them to the memory card, and would I mind showing her that as well? Okay, I was kind of panicky at this point - I mean, the pictures are less than 1/2 inch when you're trying to select them, so I had to be pretty careful as to which one I was picking...So, I looked really quick, and said, "Oh here's a box of shells..I'll show you with this one." So, I enlarge the picture. And I stop. And I squint my eyes & pull the phone closer to me. And then I realize that it wasn't a box of shells. It was a box full of various vibrators and miscellaneous sex toys. It was almost like I had a "eureka" moment, because I said, "Oh, I know what these are," and she giggled. I'm pretty proud of myself that I managed to not miss a beat - I proceeded to show her - she thanked me and walked out of the store.

"I'll take 'Awkward' for 200, please, Alex"

You know, I'm probably one of the most open-minded people I know. All anyone would have to say is, "Hey, before you go any further, just to let you know, there's penis leg warmer & vibrator pics on there." I would have said, "Cool - thanks for the heads up." and gone about my business. I just ask one favor....PLEASE WARN ME FIRST. I don't like to be surprised.

Two years ago today, Porkchop came into this world and changed our lives forever. Everyone, please join with me today in wishing my little girl a very happy birthday!

Porkchop this morning playing with a few presents....

Happy Birthday, little Princess! Thank you for coming to our family!

What have I done???

A year ago, I left my 55hr/week job in search of something new....I decided that I no longer wanted to spend more time with my co-workers than I did with my family and chose to "semi-retire" - aka work part time. (I was figuring that I would prepare myself for complete retirement when I win the lottery in 8 years and 33 days, according to my clairvoyant, Karen)

At first, I actually didn't know what to do with all this free time - you know, having all of my evenings and weekends to myself, but my body quickly adjusted. I love it. More than you'll ever know. I don't believe for one minute that I was ever meant to work. I was meant to be a a rich person (or maybe even royalty), who hired people to do my work, and I could volunteer every so often to keep my conscience intact.

About a month ago, I had a "what-was-I-thinking" moment, and agreed to work full time all this week. You know how it is - it's far enough away that it doesn't really affect you, and then it creeps up on you, and before you know it, you're all of a sudden rushing in the mornings, getting home in the evening so tired that you just want to throw a box of crackers & a can of soup at your family because the last thing you want to think about is preparing dinner.

So, here I am this week - so tired I want somebody to take me behind the barn and shoot me. It's funny how easily I got used to the part-timing....I never ever worked part time in my life. Today I work 12 hours and I want to die.

This weekend, I plan to stay in my jammies and I have 2 books that I'm going to stay in bed and read:

I may possibly venture out for coffee & conversation with Karen, but that's it. No housework, no cooking, no anything else. Have a great day, everyone.....(p.s. because of my lack-of-a-uterus, I can only assume that I'm pms-ing...Heaven help all who I come in contact with today) Pray for me.

Sorry guys - this struck me as so funny... Have a wonderful day everyone! Peace. ;o)

And here it goes....

So, you remember me telling you all about Benjamin, and how he has taken Amy on a road trip to see a whale....Do you also remember me telling you that there's never a dull moment in the life of Amy? How about the one where I have a "feeling" about him? First let me start by telling you that she's seen the whale (4 actually). Second, let me share with you the text messaging conversation I had with my darling daughter yesterday:

Amy: If I tell you something, promise not to tell anyone - not even family?
Me: Yep
Amy: And promise you will love Ben regardless...And not judge.
Me: But I don't love Benjamin. I tolerate him - big difference. But I won't judge.
Amy: You love him because he loves me and I love him. The end.
Me: Okay, okay.
Amy: Ben got arrested.

This is where I started to shake...I started to sweat, and my heart dropped into the spot where my uterus used to reside....stay calm....stay calm...

Me: Today?
Amy: Last night. He didn't come home, then he called me this morning.

Me: Why was he arrested?

Amy: He hit me while he was drunk and a lady complained. Domestic dispute, apparently.

Okay, I actually felt foam start to ooze from the sides of my mouth. I think my body temperature rose about 200 degrees, and all I could think about was getting my ass to BC as soon as possible and ripping Benjamin to shreds.

Me: He hit you????

Amy: JUST KIDDING!!!! ( this was the part where I understood how some species eat their young)

Me: F**ck Amy. Not cool. Not cool at all. (I didn't use the stars for her - I think I would have hit her at that point, and I wasn't even drinking)

Amy: ahaha He did get arrested - for being drunk in public. I wasn't even there. I stayed in last night.

Me: Where is he now?

Amy: With me. Last night he spent the night with two random guys in a cell. ( I have to add here that Amy always thought it would be cool to spend the night in the drunk tank. Her fear of Death by Mother is all that has kept her away, I think. I'm sure she would fake drunkeness just to get into jail)

Me: Wow - he's living your dream

Amy: Yeah, he's pretty much my hero.

Me: I may have to blog about this.

Amy: Go for it. As long as you're not mad - that was all I was worried about.

Me: What can I do Amy? My only concern is you, and that Benjamin keeps you safe.

Amy: Don't worry - after he hits me, he always tells me he loves me. KIDDING!!!!

Me: Goodbye Amy.

I think I need a drink.

I've been tagged.........

....by my partner-in-crime, Karen.
Karen wants me to finish these sentences.....So, here I go....

1) The one household chore I don't mind doing is....
Bathrooms....Now, don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily love cleaning bathrooms, but, there's nothing more satisfying than walking into a sparkling, clean smelling bathroom...

2) The last person that made a surprise visit to my home...
Actually wasn't for me - it was Adam's best friend, Scout. He rode about 8-10km from his house on his bike, in the rain, to surprise him.

3) I cannot comprehend....
People who complain that they are fat - when they're obviously not. Even though I'm still packing on a bit of "winter weight", my motto is still - "One can never be too rich or too skinny". I actually have a silent resentment for anorexics and bulimecs...I swear I'd be one of the two if I didn't absolutely have a love affair with food, or if I didn't hate vomiting.

4) At this moment, I wish....
That every day was a Saturday & I didn't have to work.......or that I would win the lottery. ;o)

5) The last serious discussion I had was....
With my daughter's best friend, Jamie, yesterday...Amy called me and told me that Jamie & her boyfriend since high school had broken up and wanted me to bring her flowers because Amy's still on her road trip...I called to see how she was doing and she was so sad - it broke my heart. Amy's childhood friends are like my kids....I love them all with all of my heart.

6) The thing that mad me laugh the hardest today was....
It was actually last night - Amy called and she's in Nowhere Land in British Columbia - She was laughing hysterically because they were driving though some town that smelled like cat litter. May not sound too funny to you, but she was "out-of-her-mind" laughing, thinking that this was the funniest thing that she had ever experienced.

So, according to Karen's rules, I'm supposed to tag 3 people, and they in turn tag 3 people, and I guess this will go on until the end of time - So, here are my 3....

mist1, .:cris:., and last, but not least, desperate housewife

I'm stupid - I don't know how to add the links to the names, and it's too early to call Karen to get her help....She's been helping me with all my stupid "blogging" challenges....;o)

Whale Watching

Amy's on a road trip. With Benjamin *rolling eyes*.

Don't ask me what it is that I don't like about him, because, after long hours of contemplating this, I can't figure it out. He came into her life at the beginning of summer, as he's up here working as the summer events coordinator for the Boys & Girls Club. He also volunteers for Big Brothers. He genuinely cares for Amy.... But he flew in like a tornado and is enthusiastic about absolutely everything. I mean, who's enthusiastic about everything? Ben is.

Me: I don't like Benjamin *rolling eyes*

Amy: How can you not? And stop calling him Benjamin. And stop rolling your eyes.

Me: He's a mixture between Jeff Spicolli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Owen Wilson, and I don't like either.

I have since, softened to the idea of him... He treats Amy with so much respect, and does things to make her smile. Actually, she's been smiling all summer - if you knew the bitterness that flows through that girl's veins, you would know that this is no small task.

Amy has never seen a whale...Since "Free Willy" came out, she has been determined that she has to see one before she dies. Benjamin has taken it upon himself to take Amy on this road trip to Vancouver so she can fulfill her dream.

They have a destination - they just have a "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" way of getting there. No agenda. This drives me crazy. We've had a few conversations since she's been gone.

Conversation 1

Me: Oh daughter, where art thou?

Amy: Just leaving - and I've got one hell of a hangover.

Me: Sweet, Amy. That's so nice. You're in the middle of nowhere and you've got a hangover.

Amy: You know what's funnier? We got drunk last night at a place called the "Blue Yak".

Me: Goodbye Amy.

Conversation 2

Amy: Ben went sky-diving today and he survived!

Me: Does that mean I don't have to worry about you getting home next week?

Amy: We're not even half way through the trip - don't rule it out yet.

Me: Goodbye Amy.

Conversation 3

Me: Where are you?

Amy: In Lake Louise. Ben's friend lives in a tree-house and we're staying here for the night.

Me: A tree house?? What do you mean, a tree house???

Amy: He works at the hotel here, and they have lodging for the staff. You know - it's kinda like "Dirty Dancing".

Me: Does he at least look like Patrick Swayze?

Amy: No. He kinda looks like a "Totally Gay Ken" doll.

Me: Well could you videotape him saying "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" anyway?

Amy: Goodbye Mother

So, I'm crossing my fingers and praying to God she has a wonderful experience. It's never a dull moment with Amy anyway, and it's even less dull since Benjamin entered her life. Let's hope she finally gets to see a whale....And she makes it back to tell me.

Just for awhile.....

Banff Springs Hotel - My future temporary home.

Hmmmm....

I am 66% Asshole/Bitch.

I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

So, I'm like Howard Stern??? A bitch, huh? Like it's a bad thing... :o)

I'm home

So, I get ready to leave last Saturday, and realize that in the midst of my ever hectic schedule, I didn't get to the bookstore to pick up some reading material...I ripped through Amy's bookshelf and this is all I could find... The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

I'm about 20 pages into this novel and I discover that I'm about a million years too old to read this, so I settle on the latest People magazine (The Lance Bass "I'm Gay" publication - like I didn't know that- it's my fault, remember??) and then we get to Sylvan Lake to spend a great evening with Karen and her family....

Always a good time when we get together - even if we do manage to get in trouble every once in awhile...She even lent me a book to keep me sane while I travelled - "Confessions of a Shopaholic". Little did she know that I would want to jump through the novel and strangle Becky Bloomwood's neck. Was it because she was a total nut-job, or was it because I noticed too many similarities between her and I? I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Went to the zoo, and took absolutely no pictures...How does one go to the zoo and not take pictures? So, the next day we went to Heritage Park in Calgary which was hotter than hell but beautiful...One lady, who was dressed up in her "Little House on the Prairie" garb walked towards me in one of the houses to welcome me. Well, me (being me) thought she was a maniquin and yelled, "Holy Shit, you gave me a heart attack! I didn't know you were real!" That would have been fine if the same thing didn't happen in the next house we went to. After that, I stayed away from anything that looked remotely human. Heritage Park is beautiful, and it was an amazing day.

I love Banff...We spent the day exploring the little shops, and I even got Vaughn to drive me around to pick out the house I'll live in when I win the lottery....I decided that I will build and stay at the Banff Springs Hotel while it's being built. Oh ....My....God. I was in awe.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time on the way home trying to pick apart the holiday - trying to convince myself that I couldn't possibly have had a great time. I mean, there's always something about the holiday that sucks. But, surprisingly, this one really didn't. I did end up reading "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants", and I laughed, cried and realized that I'm not growing up. Not yet anyway.

Holiday Time...

Well, I'm going to try this again...We went on a holiday in July, which was a nightmare (blog to follow on a later date...), so we're going to give this one more try this summer...We leave in the morning.....
We're starting off by visiting Karen & Rocky (aka MacGyver) in Sylvan Lake...

And after that, we're off to visit Vaughn's family - from there, he's going to take me to the Calgary Zoo,

and I'm going to get some much needed shopping done, as well:

From there, we're going to be staying in this great hotel in Canmore,

and hanging out in Banff for awhile (I'm moving here when I get my lottery winnings, which I haven't technically won yet, but that's a minor detail)

As per previous vacations, nothing (and I mean nothing) ever goes as planned, so I might be on a bus, or a plane, or a goat, or any means of transportation possible, and be on my way back in the middle of the week. Who knows....

Peace, everyone - I'll take lots of pics & hopefully post them during the week. Have a great week!