wish list

As per Kare's blog, I decided I would compose my letter to Santa - And just like Kare's, this list will more than likely be obsolete by next week, and my mind will have changed a jillion times...but, here goes....


Dear Santa:

Thank you for all the presents you brought me last year. I've been a really good girl this year, so, for all my extra efforts, could you please send me all or some (preferably all) of the things I wish for this year:

- "Chance" by Chanel (my favorite)

- "Coco Mademoiselle" by Chanel

- "Pure Poison" by Christian Dior

- "Very Irresistible" by Givenchy (I think you're noticing a pattern here....move along....)

- 3 or 4 tubs of Cranberry Body Butter from The Body Shop because it's only made at Christmastime, so I'll need enough to get me through until you bring me some next year.

- A new recipe box, because the bottom dropped out of mine. :o(

- Beverly Hills 90210 & Melrose Place season dvd's

- Enough booze to keep me floating through the Pacific Breeze during the holidays

- Abercrombie & Fitch gift certificate

- Pier 1 or Stokes store gift certificate (or both - it's time for new dishes)

- Almond Roca - Kare's gift doesn't count. It was well before Christmas.

- a trip so I can use the gift certificates (hey, you can probably save a bit of money if you send me on this trip with Kare when she goes to use hers!)

- Forget world peace - inner peace will suffice.

I will leave some KFC along with a few shots of Cuervo for you & some carrots for the reindeer.

Your #1 on the nice list friend:
MadameZ

Do I Qualify for a Handicap Sticker?

I have come to the conclusion that I should never make plans. It seems that every time I do, it's like there's a little, evil person on my shoulder making sure that I don't follow through with them. Let's take this past weekend for example....

My big plan was to decorate. I'm just not an everyday decorator - when it comes to Christmas decorating, it becomes an actual event at my house. My son jumps right on the bandwagon with me, while my husband sits "Grinch-like" in the corner (blog to follow), and my daughter heckles from the sidelines. Thank God one of my spawn turned out like me. Anyway, I'm getting off the topic here. Sunday morning, I decided to get the housework done while my husband proceeds to pull my truckload of rubbermaid totes into the living room so I can get the ball rolling. I'm in the bathtub, scrubbing the tiles with one hand and talking to Kare with the other hand. I hang up with her, and as I go to get up, I threw out my back. I've been a cripple ever since. My living room is covered in totes, because, God forbid anyone else get into the holiday spirit and do it....So, I'm laying on my back in the middle of the room, and here's how it goes:

My husband says, "Don't worry about the decorations - I'll put up the tree".
I say, "There's more than the tree - I've got a thousand totes to open!"
He says, "We only need the tree - we don't need any of that other stuff".
I say, "I could punch you in the throat right now".
He says, "Catch me".

I will be charged with murder when my back heals.

On a happier note, I went over to kare's on Saturday evening for coffee, and she gave me the greatest gifts!
Her talents will always amaze me. And Almond Roca! I nearly died. I try to limit myself to only Christmas day with these because I become a complete glutton with them, but seeing they were a gift, I took an exception. I ate 9 before bedtime, and I couldn't sleep all night, knowing that there were 3 left. I became nervous that someone else would eat them, so I woke up at 7am Sunday to finish them off.

Does anyone want to come over and help me decorate?

Have a great day everyone. Peace.

'Tis the Season

Christmas comes and goes every year. There are a few things that begin to get me into the spirit. Don't get me wrong - I love Christmas. I live for this holiday. Not necessarily for the presents (although this is a major bonus), but for the feeling it brings to my heart. I love giving, sharing, baking, and I love decorating - finding old ornaments that ignite all these memories for me.

However, in order for me to get this "warm-fuzzy" feeling, things have to happen first, and a few of them have happened......

1) My Mom's gumdrop cake - I don't particularity like gumdrop cake, but when I take a bite of it, it feels like Christmas. My parents retired and moved a million miles away last year, but she still sent me this cake in the mail. I ate it, and I cried.

2) Snow - Okay, seriously, we could have snow in July and I would take out every decoration and start the holiday festivities early. I am not a summer person at all - I live for the winter.

3) Christmas Carols - I love Christmas music - this is music that I could honestly listen to all year round, but I limit myself. I try so hard to wait until it's about a month before, and then, look out. It's playing at work, at home, and in my car. I think my previous co-workers had actually taken contracts out on my life because of this. Then it gets to the most important carol - Josh Grobin singing "O Holy Night". I try to save this one for last because this is the one that makes it all happen for me. When he hits that final 'Noel' in the song, every hair on my body stands on end, my eyes well up with tears, and I think I actually feel like I'm going to pee in my pants.
This morning, as I was driving Adam to school, I found a mixed Christmas CD that Vaughn had made me about 3-4 years ago. So, we're listening to the tunes, and I'm singing along (badly, I might add, but my enthusiasm totally makes up for my lack of vocal talent)....I'm driving home, and it comes on. I turned it off right away, wondering if I'm ready to start hauling out the 14 rubbermaid totes and turning our house into Santa's Village.
So, I pulled into the garage and played it as loud as I could. I sat there and cried like a baby, all the while, Porkchop is riding shotgun and looking at me like I had lost my mind. Even if you're not a Josh Grobin fan, his rendition of this classic will put anyone in the Christmas spirit.

By the end of the weekend, it will look like a Christmas tornado swept through here. I can't wait.

Have a great day, everyone. Peace.

****Newly added thought****

I nearly forgot about egg nog! After my sobfest in the car, I went to Starbucks & got a Non-Fat Egg Nog Latte. My 1st one of the season! Oh My God, I swear I could hear the reindeer after one sip.

Greatest Weekend EVER

Okay, so maybe it's not the greatest weekend ever, but good things happened.

I went to my brother's to pick up his dog, Sparkles, on Friday to surprise Porkchop with a weekend sleepover. I love his dog - and usually, so does Porkchop. Well, usually. This weekend, her knickers were in a complete knot. Not only did she ignore Sparkles all weekend, she pouted, whimpered, and wouldn't even do her business outside if Sparkles went out too. I would walk in the house and start to scratch her & when Sparkles would come running, Porkchop would get up, walk away, drop like a dead dog and give us a dirty look. And then, after my brother picked her up this morning, she had the nerve to sit by the door and cry. I could have drop kicked her if she weren't so cute.

My new living room furniture arrived on Friday night - everything was perfect, except they lost the legs to the accent chair. Amy came downstairs and thought the chair was beautiful because it had an "Asian" feel as it was so close to the floor. She was disappointed to find out that I wasn't keeping it that way.

I went to my girlfriend, Amanda's last night, and met her Aunt Patsy. My eyes zeroed in on her feet. Before you get sick, let me explain that she was wearing homemade wooly slippers. And guess what? After I gushed about them, she GAVE ME A PAIR!!!!!!!!! My days of prostituting myself for wooly socks or slippers are over. Seriously, people - who's leg did I have to hump to get me some? My life is good.

Funny things that came out of my family's mouths this past week:

There's a new girl at my husband's work...She was outside the office, and Vaughn overheard her talking about "show-jumping"...He walks out, and asks, "What are you talking about?" She says, "I'm a show jumper". My husband says, "So is my wife, but in our house, we call it pole-dancing."

***For those who are easily offended, do not read further***

My daughter is a waitress at a pizza place. You know how annoying it is when the waitress always comes over to see how everything is just as you put the food in your mouth? Well, she walked over to ask this man if everything was okay and noticed he had a huge mouthful of food. She looked at him and said, "I'm so sorry - I always have a habit of coming when your mouth is full." Silence....He burst out laughing. She walked away. (sorry - I found this too funny)

Have a great evening, everyone. Peace.

Ebony and Ivory

Remember when Michael Jackson used to be cool? Heck, do you even remember when Michael Jackson used to be black???

I was driving to work this morning, listening to the radio, and "The Way You Make me Feel" came on. I cranked up the tunes so loud and sang to the top of my lungs. This was 'feel good' music - this was 'sing your heart out and get up and dance' music.

I loved Michael Jackson. When the "Thriller" video came out, my friends and I would sit and watch it over and over. True, by this time he had already had some work done, but he was looking like a well groomed, leather clad black man with a nose job. And he was cute. He danced like nobody else and his music made everyone's toes start tapping.

I'm not sure when the deterioration started, but man, he is one weird creature. This was a man who had the world at his fingertips, and then proceeded to eat one too many apples off the crazy tree.

I can't imagine him looking in the mirror every day and thinking, "Damn, I'm lookin' pretty hot today!" It's disappointing because he was so great, such an amazing performer, and now he and his taped-on nose will be known as nothing more than a bleached skinned perverted has-been. So pathetic.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about the music, but he's just a friggin' freak.

well......definitely not beautiful.

No-No-Notorious

In honor of desperate housewife, and to make a point out of someone who I think likes to mock me (*cough, cough* librarian *cough, cough*), I have decided to dedicate this blog to my all-time favorite band, DURAN DURAN.

I would like to start off by telling you how this love-affair began.... I was a pre-teen, living in Nowhereville. We only had about 3 or 4 channels, and that was with cable. In early 1982, in the middle of the night, I was watching TV, and for some reason, we were picking up this other channel from England. There they were, in the video "Planet Earth", with Simon LeBon dancing around with his knickers on. I froze, and I instantly fell in love.

Duran Duran wasn't popular in Nowhereville - in fact, I think my house was the only house that picked up the phantom television channel that night, because I was the only one who had heard of them.

Skip ahead to a few months later - I move across the country to a Blue Collar booming city...I met a girl who loved them as much as I did & we became great friends (I met kare around the same time - let's just say "opposites attracted" with our friendship)

I became the ultimate "Durannie" (lingo for Duran Duran stalker), I spent every dime I made in my summer jobs and part-time jobs buying posters, records, bootlegged albums, magazines with every article on them, and every biography (authorized or unauthorized) I could get my lace-gloved hands on.

We all had our favorite band member. Mine was Nick Rhodes. I loved him. Yeah, yeah, I know you're thinking to yourself, "Okay, we all loved band members at one point". But, I loved him with all my heart. I memorized everything about him, from his favorite color (magenta), to his favorite drink (Bolinger '75) - my girlfriend and fellow Durannie, even booted an old man outside a liquor store to buy me a bottle for my 16th birthday, and we drank every drop & sent pictures to the band, along with our monthly fan letter. Funny....I never got a reply.....

Much to my over-dramatic disappointment, Nick found another woman, named Julianne Friedman from DesMoines, Iowa, but for our sake and for this blog, we will lovingly refer to her as "the Tramp", okay? Anyways.....Nick & the Tramp married and my heart died.

They wore matching makeup and he had the most manly, pink tuxedo on. It was the summer - I took the day off work, drank Bolinger '75, watched Duran Duran videos all day and cried. In my high school yearbook, next to my graduation picture, my goal in life was to be their Personal Photographer. I haven't gotten around to getting that job yet, in case you were wondering.....

Let's skip ahead a bit - to when I was 19 - three members of the band had left, but the remaining were opening for David Bowie...I went, I enjoyed, but something wasn't right....I wasn't as gung-ho as I thought I would be.

Skip ahead, skip ahead....I now have an 18 year old daughter (This was winter of 2005), and I get a phone call from her at work. Duran Duran were back together, and were doing a reunion tour. Did I want to go? I instantly went online and reserved tickets.

She and I fly to the concert March, 2005. I was so proud that I was bringing her to this - not only was she a fan, but this was my childhood. I wanted her to see what I saw - see what I loved for 25 years. We check into the hotel and we start getting ready...All the while I'm thinking that this was crazy - I couldn't possibly be this excited...Just six months prior I had flown across the country with a girlfriend to see Madonna, and to her, that was her dream....To me, it was to see the original Duran Duran.

So, we're at the concert, and, in all the excitement, I purchased better tickets that were right next to the side of the stage - I figured if I were crazy enough to fly there for this, I was sure as heck going to have good seats.

The opening band comes out....And they suck. Not just a bit, but suck to the point that I'm thinking this was a bad idea. I mean, the lead singer was bouncing around the stage doing his coke-dance, and actually fell off. During the intermission, I started to contemplate leaving. "I am too damn old for this", I thought. It even got to a point that I was actually embarrassed to be there. Then the lights went out....And they walked onto the stage.

My whole body started to shake....I'm thinking it kinda started at my toes and gradually worked it's way up to my head until my whole body was flailing like I was convulsing. And I was screaming - Not your normal screaming, but more like this blood-curdling screech....I was crying uncontrollably to the point where I scared the lady that was sitting next to me and she moved to an unknown seat, and Amy was rubbing my arms and back trying to calm me down. This didn't go on for a few minutes.....This went on for the entire concert. I sang along to every song, I yelled "I LOVE YOU, NICK!!!!" about ten thousand times, and I was a teenager all over again.

After 3 encores, they left the stage, and I saw Simon - I yelled at him and he waved to me... Oh. My. God. I couldn't imagine sharing this night with anyone but my daughter. She saw me relive my childhood - and to think that my child loves them just about as much as I do makes me one proud Mom.

My life was complete...God Bless them. Long Live Duran Duran.

Peace.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Amy was given an early Christmas present from her Grandparents. They gave her an airplane ticket to Ontario - to visit Benjamin. Do you remember him? The 'bane of my existence'? The 'night in the drunk tank'? The ' I don't know - I just have a feeling about him'? Yeah, that's him.

It didn't go over so well with her Dad - he worries so much about her. But I guess it could be worse, right? RIGHT? He makes her smile, and they've missed each other so much.

She leaves on 5 December for a week. I'll keep a smile on my face for her, and tell her that I hope she has a fantastic time - all the while, I will be worried sick, telepathically sending messages to him that if anything happens to my first born, he had better pray that he dies too.

How's Your Gag Reflex?

So, I went grocery shopping last night. I don't particularly enjoy grocery shopping, but I sometimes like the time to myself - I like to browse & impulse buy. Unlike my husband, who has a set agenda and a list. He goes in, gets what he wants and leaves. Not me - I take my time, grab things that I don't ever need ("But honey, it was on sale!"), and then proceed to tuck them in behind other things on the shelves when I've come to my senses.

Last night, I first stopped to get my usual coffee (extra hot, non-fat caramel macciatto with 6 shots of sugar free syrup & extra caramel on the top, please), and I went on my merry way, with my shopping cart and with all the optimism of a person who clearly wanted an hour or two to herself.

And then I heard it....This low, mournful moaning - kinda like the sound you hear when two bucks are fighting to mate with the doe. I stopped sipping my coffee and looked around. I stopped. There he was - some dirty little sweaty man looking at a Maxim magazine in the aisles....moaning and grunting like he was in heat. He glanced up just long enough to see the repulsed look on my face, and went back to his business. I think I actually threw up in my mouth a little bit.

He ruined my "mommy time". The shopping excursion was over.

Ponder This....

Neil Patrick Harris, aka Doogie Howser, revealed that he's gay (big surprise). Do you think it's because of me?

You know what I love about Halloween? Smartie Shots. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, imagine doing shots of alcohol. You take that shot glass and pour it all in your mouth. At Halloween, you get the mini boxes of Smarties.....Voila - you have Smartie Shots.

This weekend should be great - aside from the sub zero weather we've been having. We are going to an annual charity benefit tomorrow night called "Kids Forever". It's a great night where you get to dress up, eat lots, drink lots, dance lots and there's also a silent auction. All the proceeds go to children who are either terminally ill, or with physical and/or mental disabilities. The kids are usually nominated, and they raise an insane amount of money, as the fund-raising for this event is ongoing all year long. We became interested in this because 9 years ago, my niece was the nominated child. She was born with a genetic chromosome defect which resulted in her being not only physically, but mentally disabled as well. An amazing little girl, who was not expected to live a weekend, and is now 10 years old.

This evening I'm meeting Vaughn at the furniture store to get new living room furniture! (yay!) I've been eyeing this stuff for quite awhile, and they have a 1-day sale on, so it's basically screaming for me to buy it.

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. Peace.

MadameZ-Goodwill Ambassador

2 years ago, we had 248 kids show up at our door for Halloween - last year we had 176. So, being the good person that I am, I thought ahead - Thinking about the increase in population in our town, I did the right thing and purchased enough chocolate for approximately 3000 kids. I think we only got about 50 or 60.

So, here I am, with enough chocolate to feed a small country. I've decided to take one for the team. I will eat every last bit, because I'm just that nice.

This will get me into heaven. I can feel it.